Some disappointments are so enormous that a natural response is to look for someone to blame. Someone other than ourselves, that is.

When Giselle threw the receivers under the bus (“I can’t believe they dropped so many passes”), what she was really saying to Tom Brady was, “It’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad.” She was offering comfort, albeit at the expense of others.

But comfort at the expense of others is an excuse.

And there are 3 problems with excuses:

Excuses do not reveal the root cause of the problem.

Excuses do nothing to resolve the situation.

Excuses do not lead to improvement or the next win.

Tough-minded leaders do not accept excuses. In fact, tough-minded leaders will shoulder burdens that they are not even responsible for. Guilty by association.

Businesses, families, even societies, are like teams: you win and lose together. Every player has to perform at their peak AND the entire team has to pull together, without finger pointing or excuses. And if someone drops the ball, perhaps it was not thrown as well as it should have been.

How do you handle disappointment? Do you look for an excuse or do you try to learn from it and improve for next time?

Here are 5 ways to change how you deal with disappointment:

1. Ignore your first emotion. Letting an uprising of sadness or anger overtake you will only cloud your judgment and potentially lead to creating an even bigger problem than the one you have right now (ie. the media frenzy over Giselle’s comment.) If there was ever a time to invoke Emotional Intelligence, it is when sadness or anger are guiding you. Ignore these powerful but unhelpful first emotions!

2. Recognize the efforts of others. No one intentionally drops the ball, and who do you think feels the most devastated? The person who actually did drop the ball. Adding blame does nothing to change the outcome. When someone fails in a really big way, recognize that they gave it everything they had, and mistakes happen. A pat on the back works wonders to restore someone’s confidence in their own performance. And you’ll feel a lot better than if you ream them up and down.

3. Take responsibility. Choose guilt by association and own the entire mistake all on your own. Sound heavy? It’s actually enlightening to step up, put yourself in the middle of the huddle and say, “I could have done a better job.” Then get back out there and try again. I have the feeling that Brady did just that, after every dropped pass.

4. Look for the root cause. There are so many reasons mistakes happen. And sometimes there is no reason at all – just bad luck. Instead of quickly looking for someone or something to blame, step back and look underneath the mistake for the root cause. What happened just before the mistake occurred? Often the root cause lies there.

5. Make a decision. One reason mistakes feel so lousy is that they are an in-your-face demonstration that you have lost control. Take control back by making a decision to change something, practice something, learn something, purchase something – and then follow through with action that supports your decision. Be intentional, make a plan, and do it.

You’ll get over the disappointment in no time, AND set yourself up for success next time, when you choose these steps instead of wallowing in excuses and blame.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to survey over 100 business leaders across numerous industries. I asked one question: “As a leader, what is your greatest leadership challenge?”

How would you answer this question? There are so many possibilities. Organizational leaders have responsibilities that extend well beyond simply getting their own job done. Leaders must motivate, problem-solve, inspire, reward, deliver bad news, oversee results yet delegate control, handle conflicts, and much more. All in addition to managing their own problems and emotions!

Three key findings emerged from the survey:

1. Employees are a huge challenge. Managing employees came in as the #1 leadership challenge, with over 1/3 of the responses related to handling employee situations. Motivational challenges topped this list with 15% of the responses. Handling conflicts and problem employees earned 11%. Delegation and control concerns received 8%. Clearly, leaders could use more help learning to deal with employees.

2. Personal Lack of Confidence is #2. A distinct personal challenge was actually the largest singular issue at 21% -  a concern about confidence, style, courage, poise, self-assurance and self-acceptance. Is it disconcerting that a fifth of our leaders lack confidence in themselves as leaders? I thought so. Attention leaders out there: You need to understand how good you truly are! Attention organizations out there: your leaders need to understand how good they truly are!

3. The Dysfunctional Organization is a problem. The third largest category of responses involved the organization itself, with over 10% of respondents indicating that working with the executive team is their major challenge. Managing “up,” communicating effectively across organizational lines, and getting the entire management team aligned were all indicated as problem areas.

Put these all together, and we have a hesitant leader uncomfortably handling employee issues within an unsteady, uncommunicative organization. Yikes!

Don’t we want our leaders focused on vision, strategy, customers, new product development and other profitable pursuits? What can be done?

As distressing as these survey results are, there are solutions.

The Employee Solution: Get Skills Training. Handling employees is a learned talent, comprised mostly of “people skills.” Effective communication skills, some basic psychology, and a method for setting expectations and accountability are tools that can be learned and applied to make dealing with employees a lot easier.

The Leadership Solution: Get Personal Development. Individual self confidence building involves more than learning typical presentation or “meet and greet” skills. While a Dale Carnegie course will absolutely improve your exterior presence, it may not address your inner uncertainty. For that, leaders need absolute self-trust in their own strengths as well as the ability to be comfortably authentic. This emotional intelligence comes from developing the right mindset, one that supports continual forward momentum and thwarts self-doubt.

The Executive Team Solution: Get On With It! Leaders at the executive level need to stay focused on the future. Discussions need to be visionary and high-minded. People need to commit to move in the same direction and be held accountable for progress or lack thereof. There really is no excuse for a bunch of leaders working together but not actually leading anything anywhere.

What are the greatest leadership challenges you face? No matter what they are, solutions are available. Just don’t “do nothing.”

For a complete detailed breakdown of all of the survey responses, click here.

photo credit: www.lumaxart.com

Do you sometimes get so caught up in the process of achieving and succeeding that you forget to step back and take stock of your entire life? Are you at the top of your game in some areas of your life, but less successful or even unhappy with other areas?

Follow these three simple steps to become the CEO of your life:

C is for Clarity. Work on developing complete clarity about where you want to end up, because having complete clarity provides you freedom. When you know you are on the right path and headed in the right direction, choices simply become easier and more comfortable, without all that second-guessing and hesitation.

Complete and total clarity goes beyond understanding what you want to DO. Ask yourself this question instead: What do I want to feel everyday? The answers to this question will help you understand where you want to end up.

E is for the ability to Execute your plan. When there is a gap between where you are and where you would like to be, you know you need a plan. The problem with plans is that most people don’t actually take the actions required to achieve the plan, usually due to some form of fear: fear of looking foolish, fear of failure, fear of speaking up, even fear of becoming too successful!

A great question to ask yourself is: “Which of my fears is costing me my dreams?” The #1 best way to immediately remove fear from the picture is to decide, here and now, that your fear is simply too expensive and you are no longer going to let it stop you in your tracks.

O is for having an Organization that supports you. Successful people already know how to organize their calendars and offices and staff. But did you know that you also already have a knowledgeable and powerful supportive team that any CEO would envy?

Meet your “Internal Advisory Board.” It consists of all of the wisdom you have compiled inside yourself. All you need to do is tap into it. Ask yourself: “What would change if I absolutely believed in myself?” Learn to listen to the advice of your internal wisdom to develop self-trust and you can change everything.

Find Clarity, develop the ability to fearlessly Execute, and build a supportive Organization. Take these steps and you will become the CEO of your entire life. Start today!

When Jerry first lost his job, he was angry. It wasn’t fair! He had seniority and better sales figures than at least three other division heads who still had their jobs. Then he got depressed and down on himself. His confidence slumped and he began to believe he wasn’t as good as the others after all. As time went on, his outlook mellowed a bit as he began to assess his skills and talents against the requirements of various positions he applied for. Finally, after a number of interviews and a couple of times getting into the final running for a job but losing out, he said, “Yes, it’s tough to keep slogging away day after day, but I’m just trying to stay positive.”

Has Jerry has turned the corner so that his emotions no longer negatively interfere with his job search? After all, isn’t positive thinking supposed to be one of the secrets to success?

While positive thinking is certainly better for Jerry than being stonewalled by anger, dragged down by depression, and even getting “realistic” about his prospects (a terrible trap – don’t do it!), positive thinking is nowhere near as effective as Powerful Thinking. And Jerry is nowhere near mastering that yet.

Powerful Thinking generates thoughts that propel you forward and eliminates thoughts that hold you back. Positive thinking is like staying in “park”; Powerful Thinking actually shifts you into a forward gear.

Here’s how you can generate Powerful Thinking for yourself:

1. Inventory those recurring, doubtful beliefs you have about yourself. You know, the ones that hold you back, like “I’m too old to start a new career” or “I’m deathly afraid of public speaking” or “My boss [husband, child, parent, co-worker] just doesn’t value me [and since I respect their opinion, I doubt my own value].”

2. Craft an opposing true, factual statement, just like in debate class. “I have experience on the job that is unparalleled in the industry.” “I am completely comfortable talking about my opinions and knowledge with people who I know and trust.” “I really deliver for my boss/husband/child/parent/co-worker when they need me.” Notice that these are not made-up ‘positive’ thoughts – they are true, factual thoughts.

3. Consider whether the opposing statement has the possibility of being at least equally true as the corresponding doubtful belief. If not, keep crafting opposing statements until you have one that could at least be equally true. All we’re going for here is 50/50.

4. Here’s the Power. Your brain finds it impossible to carry two opposing thoughts of equal weight. It demands that one dominate the other. So when you have two equally weighted but opposing thoughts, you can now choose which one to carry. It is a mindset: Every time the doubtful thought pops up, simply replace it with the equally true, opposing one. After awhile, your brain will be trained to carry that new thought as the primary one.

This takes some practice, but learning how to generate and then choose Powerful Thinking means that you can redirect your thoughts literally in a nano-second! When you catch yourself doubting, immediately craft an opposing statement and override the doubt, even if the doubt has some element of truth to it. So does the opposing statement, so choose it instead.

When you want to get out of “park”, develop Powerful Thinking, and get in gear!

photo: On flickr by Untitled Blue