Some disappointments are so enormous that a natural response is to look for someone to blame. Someone other than ourselves, that is.

When Giselle threw the receivers under the bus (“I can’t believe they dropped so many passes”), what she was really saying to Tom Brady was, “It’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad.” She was offering comfort, albeit at the expense of others.

But comfort at the expense of others is an excuse.

And there are 3 problems with excuses:

Excuses do not reveal the root cause of the problem.

Excuses do nothing to resolve the situation.

Excuses do not lead to improvement or the next win.

Tough-minded leaders do not accept excuses. In fact, tough-minded leaders will shoulder burdens that they are not even responsible for. Guilty by association.

Businesses, families, even societies, are like teams: you win and lose together. Every player has to perform at their peak AND the entire team has to pull together, without finger pointing or excuses. And if someone drops the ball, perhaps it was not thrown as well as it should have been.

How do you handle disappointment? Do you look for an excuse or do you try to learn from it and improve for next time?

Here are 5 ways to change how you deal with disappointment:

1. Ignore your first emotion. Letting an uprising of sadness or anger overtake you will only cloud your judgment and potentially lead to creating an even bigger problem than the one you have right now (ie. the media frenzy over Giselle’s comment.) If there was ever a time to invoke Emotional Intelligence, it is when sadness or anger are guiding you. Ignore these powerful but unhelpful first emotions!

2. Recognize the efforts of others. No one intentionally drops the ball, and who do you think feels the most devastated? The person who actually did drop the ball. Adding blame does nothing to change the outcome. When someone fails in a really big way, recognize that they gave it everything they had, and mistakes happen. A pat on the back works wonders to restore someone’s confidence in their own performance. And you’ll feel a lot better than if you ream them up and down.

3. Take responsibility. Choose guilt by association and own the entire mistake all on your own. Sound heavy? It’s actually enlightening to step up, put yourself in the middle of the huddle and say, “I could have done a better job.” Then get back out there and try again. I have the feeling that Brady did just that, after every dropped pass.

4. Look for the root cause. There are so many reasons mistakes happen. And sometimes there is no reason at all – just bad luck. Instead of quickly looking for someone or something to blame, step back and look underneath the mistake for the root cause. What happened just before the mistake occurred? Often the root cause lies there.

5. Make a decision. One reason mistakes feel so lousy is that they are an in-your-face demonstration that you have lost control. Take control back by making a decision to change something, practice something, learn something, purchase something – and then follow through with action that supports your decision. Be intentional, make a plan, and do it.

You’ll get over the disappointment in no time, AND set yourself up for success next time, when you choose these steps instead of wallowing in excuses and blame.

Lately I’ve had a lot of calls from people who need help expanding their businesses. Whether they are small business owners or working in a firm of some sort, their request is the same: “I need to get our name out there. I want to bring in more business. I wish I could get more recognition.”

And then come the downside concerns.  ”I’m not sure how long I can keep this thing going. Maybe I should be thinking about alternatives. I’m losing confidence in myself.”

And then finally the question: “What should I be doing?”

And after working with so many on solving this problem, I realized it’s not a matter of DOING. It’s a matter of BEING.

What people in business really need to succeed is this:

Transform from being “you” into “You, Inc.”™

You, Inc. means:

• You see yourself, and present yourself, as a distinct business entity.
• You know and control your brand, whether for your business or personally (even better, for both!).
• You know what products and services to offer.
• You’re attractive to potential partners, clients, and customers.
• You’re confident in your pricing.
• You’re comfortable closing the sale.
• You’re able to expand your reach into profitable new arenas.

Imagine what could happen in your business world if you grew from “you” to “You, Inc.”

Would you show up more confidently in meetings or when networking?

Would you master the words to wrap around your unique brand?

Would you claim your place in your industry, proudly standing up to the competition?

Would you draw customers and partners and investors to you, as a business/business person they want to affiliate with?

Would you treat your business like a “real” business?

Would you communicate to your employer your true talents and expectations?

Would you go after that big promotion, that big sale, that incredible opportunity?

Be You, Inc. instead of just you, and discover how “being” instead of “doing” leads to more business, without all that busy-ness! It’s the shortcut to success, without having to try so hard.

Whether or not you’re interested in the new “discover the next big American star” TV show X-Factor, the premise is fascinating. The show’s creators can’t even define what the X-Factor is. “We’ll know it when we see it” they say!

When you think about your favorite people, can you say what draws you to them? Is it the sparkle in his eye? Her shy smile? The way he makes only you laugh and no one else gets it? The way she listens so you know you’ve been heard and acknowledged?

Each of us has something unique and compelling about us that others notice and are drawn to — our very own X-Factor. What’s yours?

Once when a friend of mine was very down on herself, she asked me: Tell me five things you appreciate about me. I thought carefully, then gave her a list of what I considered to be her best traits as a friend. She looked astonished! I don’t think she had any idea up until that moment of the incredible pleasure I receive from her friendship. Her quick laugh, her intelligent conversational style, her fun-loving way of saying “Yes” to just about any activity, her sponge-like absorption of politics and current events, her love of the physical beauty of nature, her appreciation of art, the way she savors food in tiny bites, the way she’s there for me through thick and thin… OK, that’s more than five and I could go on!

All of these things point to my friend’s X-Factor — she is engaging. You cannot have a conversation with her, or hardly even be in the same room with her, without immediately becoming engaged. She finds common ground in a snap, you are entertained, and you learn something.

So what’s your X-factor? Try asking a good friend what they appreciate about you and find out.

Why should you care about your X-Factor? Because your unique and compelling quality is your core source of personal power. Whenever you are feeling down, or doubtful, or hopeless, or fearful, you can draw upon that core quality to lift yourself right out of the dangerous rabbit hole of negative emotions.

Discover your X-Factor and “Live the X” every day!

What do success and sex have in common? A little bit makes you want more!

All analogies aside, taking action that results in success inspires more action, which leads to more success.

Taking that first, exploratory step is often the most difficult, so it is understandable that we hesitate…. lose courage, and sometimes stop.

Yet, have you ever had the experience of trying something you were a little uncertain about, only to find out it wasn’t as bad or painful as you thought it might be?

In fact, maybe you even liked it! And not only were you willing to do it again, you looked for opportunities to do it again!

That’s the Action/Inspiration Cycle.

But what about when taking action results in something less than success? There are still two beneficial outcomes: Momentum and Learning.

Momentum: In the beautiful illustration above, even when the spiraling line turns downward, it is still in motion and eventually turns upward. Just like when you are skiing or bicycling, building up a little speed going downhill can actually help propel you back up. Your personal power is enhanced when you have momentum. Here’s another reason to build momentum: If you are not in motion, you are stagnant. Think about that.

Learning: The words “mistake” and “failure” have terribly harmful connotations in our culture and our minds.

Would you think I was crazy if I told you that failure is a good thing? I love the story of WD40 to illustrate this point. WD stands for Water Displacement. But do you know what the 40 stands for? It took the inventors 40 tries to get the formulation right. How many of us would have stopped at 39 tries? 30? 10? or even 2?

To my mind, failure should be cause for celebration, because it eliminates a way that doesn’t work and zeros in on what might work next time. Failure is an opportunity to learn something very valuable. And those opportunities don’t come along often enough.

Bottom Line: Take action to get into motion, and let the outcome inspire more action. Get on the Action/Inspiration Cycle, and eventually you will spiral up!

(photo credit: langs on Flickr)