Some disappointments are so enormous that a natural response is to look for someone to blame. Someone other than ourselves, that is.

When Giselle threw the receivers under the bus (“I can’t believe they dropped so many passes”), what she was really saying to Tom Brady was, “It’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad.” She was offering comfort, albeit at the expense of others.

But comfort at the expense of others is an excuse.

And there are 3 problems with excuses:

Excuses do not reveal the root cause of the problem.

Excuses do nothing to resolve the situation.

Excuses do not lead to improvement or the next win.

Tough-minded leaders do not accept excuses. In fact, tough-minded leaders will shoulder burdens that they are not even responsible for. Guilty by association.

Businesses, families, even societies, are like teams: you win and lose together. Every player has to perform at their peak AND the entire team has to pull together, without finger pointing or excuses. And if someone drops the ball, perhaps it was not thrown as well as it should have been.

How do you handle disappointment? Do you look for an excuse or do you try to learn from it and improve for next time?

Here are 5 ways to change how you deal with disappointment:

1. Ignore your first emotion. Letting an uprising of sadness or anger overtake you will only cloud your judgment and potentially lead to creating an even bigger problem than the one you have right now (ie. the media frenzy over Giselle’s comment.) If there was ever a time to invoke Emotional Intelligence, it is when sadness or anger are guiding you. Ignore these powerful but unhelpful first emotions!

2. Recognize the efforts of others. No one intentionally drops the ball, and who do you think feels the most devastated? The person who actually did drop the ball. Adding blame does nothing to change the outcome. When someone fails in a really big way, recognize that they gave it everything they had, and mistakes happen. A pat on the back works wonders to restore someone’s confidence in their own performance. And you’ll feel a lot better than if you ream them up and down.

3. Take responsibility. Choose guilt by association and own the entire mistake all on your own. Sound heavy? It’s actually enlightening to step up, put yourself in the middle of the huddle and say, “I could have done a better job.” Then get back out there and try again. I have the feeling that Brady did just that, after every dropped pass.

4. Look for the root cause. There are so many reasons mistakes happen. And sometimes there is no reason at all – just bad luck. Instead of quickly looking for someone or something to blame, step back and look underneath the mistake for the root cause. What happened just before the mistake occurred? Often the root cause lies there.

5. Make a decision. One reason mistakes feel so lousy is that they are an in-your-face demonstration that you have lost control. Take control back by making a decision to change something, practice something, learn something, purchase something – and then follow through with action that supports your decision. Be intentional, make a plan, and do it.

You’ll get over the disappointment in no time, AND set yourself up for success next time, when you choose these steps instead of wallowing in excuses and blame.

Lately I’ve had a lot of calls from people who need help expanding their businesses. Whether they are small business owners or working in a firm of some sort, their request is the same: “I need to get our name out there. I want to bring in more business. I wish I could get more recognition.”

And then come the downside concerns.  ”I’m not sure how long I can keep this thing going. Maybe I should be thinking about alternatives. I’m losing confidence in myself.”

And then finally the question: “What should I be doing?”

And after working with so many on solving this problem, I realized it’s not a matter of DOING. It’s a matter of BEING.

What people in business really need to succeed is this:

Transform from being “you” into “You, Inc.”™

You, Inc. means:

• You see yourself, and present yourself, as a distinct business entity.
• You know and control your brand, whether for your business or personally (even better, for both!).
• You know what products and services to offer.
• You’re attractive to potential partners, clients, and customers.
• You’re confident in your pricing.
• You’re comfortable closing the sale.
• You’re able to expand your reach into profitable new arenas.

Imagine what could happen in your business world if you grew from “you” to “You, Inc.”

Would you show up more confidently in meetings or when networking?

Would you master the words to wrap around your unique brand?

Would you claim your place in your industry, proudly standing up to the competition?

Would you draw customers and partners and investors to you, as a business/business person they want to affiliate with?

Would you treat your business like a “real” business?

Would you communicate to your employer your true talents and expectations?

Would you go after that big promotion, that big sale, that incredible opportunity?

Be You, Inc. instead of just you, and discover how “being” instead of “doing” leads to more business, without all that busy-ness! It’s the shortcut to success, without having to try so hard.

Whether or not you’re interested in the new “discover the next big American star” TV show X-Factor, the premise is fascinating. The show’s creators can’t even define what the X-Factor is. “We’ll know it when we see it” they say!

When you think about your favorite people, can you say what draws you to them? Is it the sparkle in his eye? Her shy smile? The way he makes only you laugh and no one else gets it? The way she listens so you know you’ve been heard and acknowledged?

Each of us has something unique and compelling about us that others notice and are drawn to — our very own X-Factor. What’s yours?

Once when a friend of mine was very down on herself, she asked me: Tell me five things you appreciate about me. I thought carefully, then gave her a list of what I considered to be her best traits as a friend. She looked astonished! I don’t think she had any idea up until that moment of the incredible pleasure I receive from her friendship. Her quick laugh, her intelligent conversational style, her fun-loving way of saying “Yes” to just about any activity, her sponge-like absorption of politics and current events, her love of the physical beauty of nature, her appreciation of art, the way she savors food in tiny bites, the way she’s there for me through thick and thin… OK, that’s more than five and I could go on!

All of these things point to my friend’s X-Factor — she is engaging. You cannot have a conversation with her, or hardly even be in the same room with her, without immediately becoming engaged. She finds common ground in a snap, you are entertained, and you learn something.

So what’s your X-factor? Try asking a good friend what they appreciate about you and find out.

Why should you care about your X-Factor? Because your unique and compelling quality is your core source of personal power. Whenever you are feeling down, or doubtful, or hopeless, or fearful, you can draw upon that core quality to lift yourself right out of the dangerous rabbit hole of negative emotions.

Discover your X-Factor and “Live the X” every day!

“I can’t serve the tennis ball like I used to.”

“I can’t keep up this crazy schedule.”

“I can’t decide whether the market is going up or down.”

It happens at cocktail parties. It happens at business meetings. It happens at the dinner table. It happens in our minds. And it impacts our lives.

One tiny little phrase stops people in their tracks: “I CAN’T.”

How many times a day do we say this to ourselves? Or worse, say it out loud to someone else (which imprints the thought more powerfully, as if it was factual, into our brains).

Why is this phrase so persistent? Several reasons come to mind.

Being “Realistic.” It is human nature to try to be realistic so we don’t disappoint ourselves. Numerous psychological studies show that people will make more effort to avoid pain than to seek pleasure, so being “realistic” helps us avoid the pain of failure. The trouble is, being “realistic” prevents us from reaching for a stretch goal, or taking a chance on something that might bring tremendous rewards or joy.

A Convenient Excuse. Many times, “I can’t” means “I don’t want to.” It is an easy out, a way to deceive ourselves or rationalize to others why we aren’t going to try anymore. The trouble is, an “I can’t” statement reinforces a negative thought, whereas if you had the courage to say “I don’t want to,” you will be taking control and making a thoughtful decision, rather than letting something negative control you.

The Inconvenient Truth. Sometimes, “I can’t” statements are true. In this case, the words are not the problem; it is the decisions we make as a result. If you can’t serve the tennis ball as hard as you used to, does that knowledge have to interfere with your love of the game? Or can you develop a crafty spin serve or blistering specialty stroke? Don’t let a singular limitation overwhelm your ability to make choices about your life.

No matter what your rationale for “I CAN’T” thinking, there is one simple solution to preventing the resulting self-sabotage. Drop the T!

Try this: For every “I CAN’T” that pops into your head or out of your mouth, follow up with three “I CAN” statements on the same topic.

“I CAN drive my forehand down the line. I CAN cover the middle when my partner gets pulled to the side by an angle shot. I CAN enjoy teaching tennis to my grandchildren.”

“I CAN choose to eliminate these non-urgent errands from my day. I CAN allocate one hour and finish the bills. I CAN enjoy a cup of tea before getting back to work.”

“I CAN diversify my investment risk. I CAN decide to focus on the long term and not get caught up in daily fluctuations. I CAN utilize financial planning software to better understand the impact of my financial decisions.”

Try dropping the T from your thoughts and conversations, and make your move from “I CAN’T” to “I CAN”!

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to survey over 100 business leaders across numerous industries. I asked one question: “As a leader, what is your greatest leadership challenge?”

How would you answer this question? There are so many possibilities. Organizational leaders have responsibilities that extend well beyond simply getting their own job done. Leaders must motivate, problem-solve, inspire, reward, deliver bad news, oversee results yet delegate control, handle conflicts, and much more. All in addition to managing their own problems and emotions!

Three key findings emerged from the survey:

1. Employees are a huge challenge. Managing employees came in as the #1 leadership challenge, with over 1/3 of the responses related to handling employee situations. Motivational challenges topped this list with 15% of the responses. Handling conflicts and problem employees earned 11%. Delegation and control concerns received 8%. Clearly, leaders could use more help learning to deal with employees.

2. Personal Lack of Confidence is #2. A distinct personal challenge was actually the largest singular issue at 21% -  a concern about confidence, style, courage, poise, self-assurance and self-acceptance. Is it disconcerting that a fifth of our leaders lack confidence in themselves as leaders? I thought so. Attention leaders out there: You need to understand how good you truly are! Attention organizations out there: your leaders need to understand how good they truly are!

3. The Dysfunctional Organization is a problem. The third largest category of responses involved the organization itself, with over 10% of respondents indicating that working with the executive team is their major challenge. Managing “up,” communicating effectively across organizational lines, and getting the entire management team aligned were all indicated as problem areas.

Put these all together, and we have a hesitant leader uncomfortably handling employee issues within an unsteady, uncommunicative organization. Yikes!

Don’t we want our leaders focused on vision, strategy, customers, new product development and other profitable pursuits? What can be done?

As distressing as these survey results are, there are solutions.

The Employee Solution: Get Skills Training. Handling employees is a learned talent, comprised mostly of “people skills.” Effective communication skills, some basic psychology, and a method for setting expectations and accountability are tools that can be learned and applied to make dealing with employees a lot easier.

The Leadership Solution: Get Personal Development. Individual self confidence building involves more than learning typical presentation or “meet and greet” skills. While a Dale Carnegie course will absolutely improve your exterior presence, it may not address your inner uncertainty. For that, leaders need absolute self-trust in their own strengths as well as the ability to be comfortably authentic. This emotional intelligence comes from developing the right mindset, one that supports continual forward momentum and thwarts self-doubt.

The Executive Team Solution: Get On With It! Leaders at the executive level need to stay focused on the future. Discussions need to be visionary and high-minded. People need to commit to move in the same direction and be held accountable for progress or lack thereof. There really is no excuse for a bunch of leaders working together but not actually leading anything anywhere.

What are the greatest leadership challenges you face? No matter what they are, solutions are available. Just don’t “do nothing.”

For a complete detailed breakdown of all of the survey responses, click here.

photo credit: www.lumaxart.com